life keeps rolling on. somehow, more than half of another quater has passed me by and i don't know where it went. i'm feeling a little peeved today after scraping together to not-quite-finish this beast of a homework assignment. i hate feeling so lost that i just stumble through my technically-demanding but conceptually-light homework without comprehending a single bit of the significance of the damn equations i'm laboring over.
i feel like i'm in p-chem all over again, blindly creating more entropy in another disheveled excuse for a textbook (actually 300 photocopied pages of a course reader [with terrible hand drawings!] that cost way too much), doing pointless homework assignments for a similar-looking and surprisingly lovable teacher who i resent anyway, and probably with even worse senioritis. and i'm not even going to say that it won't happen again next week, because it will.
other complaints. seriously, does anyone remember last year when i ranted about the stupid rodent who lived on my bedroom roof and made annoying skritchy noises at all hours of the day, and made me install a high-frequency noisemaker and bang on the ceiling with a broomstick? well, those were the days, because now i have a similar problem except instead of rodents it's humans, and instead of skritchy noises it's sex grunts and bad renditions of yesterday's top 40 at all hours of the day.
a silver lining followed by more complaints. the rose lights album tracks are finally on this side of the rockies, and they're actually coming together rather nicely. there are some logistical nightmares which will probably take till like 2015 to resolve, but i'm actually excited to be working on this stuff for once. stay tuned. :)
i just wish i didn't spend every moment in the mixing studio (read: bandmate's generously loaned iMac in a cold, dank basement with a tiny, ineffective space heater, where my only reliable source of warmth is my own body heat generated by banging away at the drumset every half-hour or so) knowing that i should be somewhere else, working on the notes i'm behind on, or putting in greater than zero hours at my job.
which leads to another complaint. my workplace officially can't get it together. it has been literally an entire semester here, and i have not gotten a single sliver of legitimate data to work on. i know it was my fault when i just gave up for a month or so and refused to communicate to the extremely large and frustrating IT operations group. i guess it wasn't really productive to enter into a resentful stalemate like that after a few work requests slipped through the cracks. but you know what, i used to think if i'd actually spent 20 hours a week there actively trying to make things work, maybe this would have been resolved by november. but now, i'm pretty sure i would have just sat at my desk doing homework the whole time, because even when the IT guy actually shows up in person, shit still doesn't get done in the bureaucratic underworld. i've actually been trying for a good while now, and what have i gotten done besides listening to three or four albums all the way through on bus rides to the damn place? yeah, you guessed right. absolutely jack shit. oh, and by the way, your entire front entryway area smells like piss all the time. maybe one of the people in the IT group who do nothing but redirect my help tickets and get them lost should transfer to being a janitor because you seem to need more of those around.
this pointlessness of my "research apprenticeship" (read: free money i should be thankful for, but which i hope you can understand is still exasperatingly unfulfilling), combined with how behind i am in stats class and how pointless everything seems, is making me want to drop out. along with half my entering class, of course, because everyone talks about not making it their first year. but i worry sometimes. my friend wondered why i didn't just drop out of school and become a musician. i'm starting to wonder why myself.
P.S. last (sort of) one: i wish i didn't become an immoral malicious asshole when i'm frustrated or generally upset. i don't know if you know who you are, but i'm sorry for what i've done. i hope to someday be forgiven.
